Whether we like it or not, very few of us had the tools or modeling for healthy intimacy growing up. We come from cultures with pervasive abuse, absence, and poor emotional literacy. Not to mention incredible sexual repression and a narrow window of what intimate/erotic/sexual behaviors are acceptable. At some point many of us realize that we need to put active attention on rebuilding this area of our lives, filling in the gaps of what wasn't modeled for us, and seeking out spaces where we can grow into what we want.
Sometimes this means a judgment-free space to explore practices we've always wanted to try, sometimes it means creating a container of trust to work through shame, pain or insecurity that continues to come up in this area of our lives, and other times it's active skill-building to become better at communication or physical sensitivity. There are so many micro-skills involved in any intimate interaction: from listening with our hands to another person's rhythms of arousal, to negotiating the frequency of communication with a partner...connection is not easy.
This is a very non-exhaustive set of example intentions that would be a good fit for this type of work. If you have an idea in mind of an intimacy project that you don't see here, great! I'd be happy to let you know if it's something I can help with.
Preparing to re-enter the dating field
Perhaps you'd like to reactive your intimate life, but it feels like something's in the way. Past experiences that have gone poorly, or doubts about what's possible. We can create a low-stakes fling, to replicate the process of re-opening, and tend to whatever comes up within the safety of this intentional nest we build. Whether it's negotiating the details of relating--what are the expectations?--or regaining comfort with physical intimacy, you'd be surprised by the confidence that comes from living it out. Imagine a soft, time-bound relationship to get back on your feet, with someone comfortable with the hard parts and happy to guide high-level communication.
Opening up a relationship
These days many people are realizing that monogamy is not for them, but choosing to open up a relationship can be daunting. Experimenting with a provider can reduce some of the variables of the experiment, offering a more manageable first step. I'm happy to work with existing relationships as they're in the process of negotiating and evolving.
Exploring a new role
I can't tell you how many men have expressed to me that having to play the active, initiative role in intimacy all the time is exhausting. And yet it's tied into so many questions of identity that it's hard to leave behind. Plus, won't every partner be expecting it? No matter which roles we're used to playing, there can be fear in trying something new. We can together create a space that feels open and supportive to experiment and learn as we go through new territory together.
So much can happen with an intention of exploration rather than the pressure of something to achieve. Outside of the dating context, there is no pressure to "make it work", to earn approval of friends and family, or even to maintain the other person's interest. We meet for a specific reason in a zone of openness, experimentation, and growth.
If this type of supported exploration sounds like something you need, I look forward to hearing from you. And if you'd like a sneak peak, follow along on Sunroom to hear how I address common questions, and ask your own!